SOLILOQUY

Suddenly I feel tired, very tired. I am exhausted, burnt-out - call it whatever you want, but I am just that, completely drained.

The work pressure, or to be more exact, the pressure of working understaffed in a state as big as Pahang, finally gets to me.

The anger, frustration and the feeling of being 'step-sonned' and uncared-for by the management that I manage to put under carpet all these while, finally come to surface.

I become hypersensitive and easily riled, even by small things - things that normally I pass without paying much attention. My wife's friendly reminding words suddenly becoming more of nagging and get to my nerves and they often end up into heated and emotional exchange of words between us.

Sulking and silent protests become the norms rather than the exception for me. That is my only way to cool things down. They are often misunderstood though.

Children are getting worried. My youngest keeps on 'sms'ing her sister and brother letting them know what is going on between the two of us. They are worried about us breaking up and leaving them.

I tell them not to worry. It is just that phase of my life. I am aware of it and will not allow it to deteriorate beyond repair. I know the consequences of failing to put things right - the thing that had happened to my parents.

It is just that I am exhausted, both physically and mentally. Like her, I too need love, attention, care, understanding and supporting words, more so now.

I am, after all just a normal human being. I think, after nearly 28 years of service, I need a rest, a long rest. That's why I made that decision. The decision to call it a day at 56 years of age.

Don't you worry what's going to happen after I retire. I won't just lie down in front of tv...I will continue living. I want to do what I like most but so far was unable to do - to write and to teach all that I know to others.

I want to write novels. There are already two in the process and another one is in mind, just ready to be clicked in.

There is no more that ummph that I used to have to do things for my career. There is nothing more that I can attain. I am already knocking against the wall in as far as my career is concerned.

I have written the letter to the DG letting him know about my intention. I hope he agrees and may be he could arrange something for me to help the juniors in the department. Say, it will be good if he could give me a contract work in pathology.

I will have another 18 months to go...may Allah blessed me with continuous good health, sound mind and dedication to obey him till I breathe my last.

AMIN